Monday: 6
Westerly, RI. Back to work after 12 days off for the holidays. I received the anticipated e-mail from HR that the planned January 10 return to the office has been delayed indefinitely, so that was good.
Ran late afternoon expecting snow showers, which unfortunately never materialized. Local road and trail mix. Still a tad sore from Saturday's 5 mile race.
Got home, had dinner, and then all hell broke loose. Received a nightmare call informing me that my youngest brother had unexpectedly passed away several hours prior. After the phone call, I needed some time to gain my composure at least to some degree, and then it was time to drive to my mother's house to tell her in person that her youngest son was dead. Just awful. Horrific. Got home late, slept terribly, and had a nightmare where my brother came and talked to me about his death.
Tuesday: 9
Woke up, went to my annual physical, and when my primary care specialist asked if I was OK, I just broke down all over again. Am I OK? Well, my youngest brother just killed himself, and he left behind a mess for everyone else in his family to deal with, but other than that, Mrs Lincoln, how was the show? Ugh. I am struggling to process this and find myself going through the classic phases of denial, guilt, anger, and grief.
I advised my boss I wouldn't be coming back to work anytime soon, and then went to visit my Mom again for more difficult but needed conversation. When I finally got back home early afternoon, Matthew was just getting ready to go out for a run at Burlingame. Fortunately, he was fine with me tagging along with him despite his having to wait longer and put up with my dour mood.
Burlingame State Park, Charlestown, RI: Easy paced lollipop mostly on trails, with some roads sandwiched in. After the run, Matthew said I looked better than when I had started, and he figured it was better that I ran with him and could talk to him today as opposed to running alone. He was right, of course.
Then in the evening I was off with my Mom for more difficult notifications, and another fitful night of interrupted sleep.
Wednesday: 9
Charlestown / Richmond, RI: Another weird day. The run was fine (mix of roads and trails in Carter Preserve and Carolina Management Area). Ran with Matthew and Brady in the mild rain (49°). The rest of the day was taken up with various planning and discussions, including with the funeral home. In the latter case, fortunately I had called a high school classmate from decades ago. He manages two funeral homes in the area, and I have a great deal of respect and good relationship with him.
Thursday: 10
Woke up to the continuing nightmare that is my life this week. Day after day.
Stonington, CT: Ran in Barn Island with Matthew and Brady. Easy paced on a mix of surfaces, including three miles on roads, and the rest on dirt roads and single-track.
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| Today is Epiphany. Took down the tree, which is a sad day any year, but especially melancholy this year. |
Friday: 6 run, 3 walk
Westerly, RI: Snow! It was a serendipitous diversion that I needed. Took Brady out for a run on a mix of roads, beach, and trails. Along the way, I saw two runners (separately) that I know, and I stopped briefly to talk to one of them in this driveway; this was a nice change from pretty much isolating myself all week due to the tragedy.
At the beach, I had to keep constant tabs on Brady as he really wanted to go into the ocean, but once we got into the woods, it was just a delight and for a moment truly took my mind off the horrendous situation.
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| Beautiful and calm at the beach |
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| Picturesque day in Champlin Glacier Preserve. He has snow on his nose here, but is just carefree. |
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| Running in the snow |
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| After running, Matthew and I shoveled the driveway, and I was more than ready to go in the house. But not Brady; he was content to just roll and play in the snow in our front yard. (The orange underneath him is his frisbee, which he took out of the garage, and then kept throwing into the air on his own, digging it out of the snow, repeat, etc.) --- Besides his own fun, Brady really kept me entertained today, and I needed that. I used to think "therapy dogs" were BS, but maybe not? |
In the afternoon, went for a late afternoon/evening snow hike and fire ("Friday by the Fire") put on by the WLT. We (Jana and I) brought Brady with us and hung towards the back of the group in a single-file pattern (single-track at Grills), so that all went fine.
Saturday: 12
Narragansett, RI: Resolution 5K. An annual reunion and run put on by Steve Brightman, a continuation of the old 4th Season Trail Race, with the race fairly even split between hard packed beach at Scarborough and trails in the Black Point state site. I got an e-mail from Steve on Tuesday confirming the event was on, and at that point (the day after my brother's death), I completely wrote off going to the event or anywhere in public for that matter. I know I need to get back out there, and I thought enough time had passed where I was ready to get back out in a large group. I was wrong.
Went for a nice long warm up run with Matthew on roads, where we discussed everything from details of the immediate family crisis to more uplifting running topics. Got back just in time for the start of the "race". There was the usual fun banter, but I just wasn't in to it. What I did get a chuckle out of was when Crutch came up to me and implored me not to run any more Border Patrol Challenges (as he's in first place now)! He's really crushing it out there with 8 completed segments compared my paltry two. I appreciated that levity!
Anyway, I ran most of the Resolution 5K solo and at a moderate pace. I saw a group of runners just behind me at the southern beach turnaround, but didn't want anything to do with being with a group. I appreciated Chris catching up to and running in with me. (He on the other hand may not have, as I unloaded much of my situation on him.) When we finished up, I saw people mulling around and having fun at the finish line, and I just wasn't ready for that group setting, so I slunk away for a cool down with Matthew and then unobtrusively left.
Sunday: 10
Arcadia Management Area, Exeter, RI. Drizzly rain on snowy trails, with Matthew and Brady. Very slow going in wet snow. The unplowed roads were much better than the plowed roads. Funny how that works. I did fine on the flats and downhills, but struggled and lagged on the uphills. I was pretty weak on the 2nd half. Fuel replenishment at Alaina's in Richmond was a welcome pit stop, and the So Cal Turkey sandwich and iced latte hit the spot.
Weekly mileage: 63 run, 3 walk
Weekly synopsis: Really, for this week, any expectations were thrown out the window. I discarded all planned workouts, long runs, and faster speed runs, and it certainly exceeded my expectations that I got in this many miles in a truly awful and distracting week.
Weekly highlight: It's tough to find anything positive in this week. Yet I must. I am grateful for the support of family and friends, and I do not take that lightly or for granted.
Weekly lowlight: Obviously the shock of my brother's suicide, and all the terrible after effects. I worry and feel for all those impacted by his death.
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| I'll close out this blog post with this photo and my thoughts. I took this photo along Saturday's Resolution 5K course, as I was cooling down with Matthew: Winter Wonderland, along the calm of the Atlantic Ocean. Simply majestic. --- As I mentioned to Chris when we ran past here, I need to look for similar positive and beautiful mementos in nature, people, and situations to pick myself back up and move forward in my life. As I was very painfully reminded this week, life is short, fragile, and fleeting. Live life to the fullest. |
Very sorry to hear Jeff. My condolences to your family during this hard time.
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